Mind the baby, Akatsuki!
by SleepinDojo
Summary: A fanfiction that was inspired by Dreadful-Kharma's 'Bringing up Kakuzu'. Why did you delete it? Anyway, hope you don't mind me taking some ideas from it. Rated M because of a certain Jashinist.
1. Chapter 1

**_This story is inspired by Dreadful-Kharma's fanfiction Bringing Up Kakuzu, which was discontinued and deleted. I hope you don't mind if I use some elements from your chapters..._**

**_Naruto Shippūden characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto._**

Deidara was sure he heard a squeal. No, a lot of squeals... from Tobi's room. He decided to knock at the door. "Tobi? Are you alright, un?"

Another squeal and some laughter... Chipmunk-like giggles... Sounded like a baby. The bomber entered the room; the door wasn't locked, anyway.

"Tobi, un! What's going on?" Then he stared at an embarrassed Tobi... with a baby in his arms. "Eh?"

"S-Senpai, Tobi can explain..." Tobi stuttered, bouncing the infant. Deidara took a good look at the bundle: the baby had a tanned skin, a big mop of dark hair and stitches gracing his cheeks. His big eyes had green orbs and red sclera, just like Kakuzu's eyes. In fact, the infant looked a lot like a miniature of Kakuzu.

"Let me see him, un..." Deidara motioned to take the baby from Tobi's arms, but the masked man kept holding the bundle tight.

"Deidara-senpai, don't blast him, please!" He said, anime tears sprinkling from the hole in his mask.

"Tobi, I won't do that! Now let me see the kid, un..." Reluctantly, Tobi handed the baby to Deidara. "Hello, little one, un... What's your name?"

"Senpai, Tobi thinks he can't tell you that, because he still can't talk...", Tobi said. Deidara rolled his eyes.

"I know that, you idiot, I'm just breaking the ice, babies need attention, un!" And then turned to the baby, smiling. "Right, baby?"

The chubby little baby gurgled happily and spat bubbles, contentedly cradled in Deidara's arms. Suddenly, he startled at the sound of Hidan's yells in the corridors.

"OI! KAKUZU! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?" Deidara sighed and looked at the baby with concern.

"Don't mind Hidan, little one, un... He's, um, kind of nice, once you get to know him..."

"Oh, senpai, about that... Um... You see, this baby is..." Tobi was interrupted by Hidan, who stomped into the room like a demon.

"Haven't any of you bitches seen that asshole around?" Hidan stared at the baby in Deidara's arms. "Why, Blondie, I didn't know you had a fucking kid... Jashin, is he weird..."

The blonde sighed, annoyed. "Very funny, Hidan, un... It's not my kid. Tobi found him."

"That's what Tobi was going to say, senpai!" The masked man raised his hand. "Tobi didn't find him! The baby is Kakuzu-san!"

Hidan and Deidara exchanged funny looks and started to laugh, as if they'd just heard a good joke. The baby, sucking on a thumb, looked at Hidan curiously.

"Tobi was practicing an age-reversing jutsu, and Kakuzu-san asked Tobi to perform the jutsu on him, so he could be back to his twenties, and Tobi happily did and... Well, the jutsu worked, but Tobi doesn't think he's in his twenties right now..." Tobi said, scratching the masked head. Deidara and Hidan were gobsmacked.

"Well, can't you undo the fucking jutsu? I'm not gonna take care of that little shit.", said the Jashinist, pointing at the innocent baby that was playing with Deidara's hair.

"Tobi can't, Hidan-san! Tobi tried, but nothing happened.", squeaked the good boy, hiding behind his senpai.

"What's all that noise?" Sasori peeked through the door. "What the hell is that?" He entered the room, cautiously.

"Danna, this is Kakuzu... That idiot Tobi has performed an age-reversing jutsu on him and he's turned into this, un..." Sasori took the gurgling baby from the blonde's arms, so he could have a glance at him.

"Kakuzu... You're tiny..." He gave a little smile to the stitched baby, earning a cute baby giggle. Sasori turned to Hidan. "You're his partner, Hidan, now it's time for you to take care of him..."

"WHAT?" That made little Kakuzu startle again. "Why would I take care of that fucking bundle of misery? It's Tobi's fault, not mine."

"But Kakuzu always took care of your wounds, Hidan, un..." Deidara had a point. But that wouldn't convince Hidan. "By the way, Tobi, does Leader know about that?"

"Not yet, senpai! Tobi was scared of what could happen to little Kaku-chan..." Tobi's nickname for the baby made Hidan cringe.

"Well, then, let's show him to Pein, what could possibly happen?", said Sasori, rubbing the baby's back lightly.

"Show me what?" Pein entered the room, stoicly as always, followed by Konan. He glanced at the bundle and Tobi whimpered.

"L-Leader-sama, it's Tobi's fault, Kakuzu-san wanted Tobi to perform an age-reversing jutsu on him to make him younger, but... He's got too young..."

Sasori handed the baby to Pein. "We don't know how the stitches retained in his baby form... But it's Kakuzu, really."

Awkwardly, Pein held the baby up at eye-level, examining his features carefully, while Konan smiled softly at him. The baby grew a little bit tired of being examined and started to pout and blush, he was about to cry his big eyes out. Konan took him from Pein's hands and shushed him, patting on his back gently.

"It looks like we're going to take care of him until the jutsu wears off.", said Pein, pinching the bridge of his nose. "That, or we can simply abandon him in the forest..."

Everyone was about to protest, but Hidan was the first, yelling, as always. "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND? I WON'T LET YOU DO THAT!" Once again, the yell startled baby Kakuzu. Pein smiled smugly.

"That's what I wanted to hear from you, Hidan." Then he patted the baby's mop of hair and smirked. "You'll be alright, Kakuzu..."

Konan handed Kakuzu to Deidara. "Can you get him something to eat? I'm going to make a list of the things the baby will need. As soon as I finish it, Tobi, you're coming with me to go shopping, okay?"

"Yatta! Tobi's going to help you, Konan-san! But... We're going to need... You know..." He whispered. "Money..."

"That's easy, you can use the miser's fucking money, I'm sure he won't mind... And the little shit's not in any position to complain, is he?" Hidan smirked at the baby. Kakuzu understood the word "money" (he was Kakuzu, after all) and the lip-quivering started. "And don't fucking cry, dumbass!"

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Too late; Kakuzu wailed at the top of his lungs, rivulets of tears running down his sad face.

"That was mean, Hidan!" Deidara put the baby on his shoulder and patted on his back lightly. "There, there, little Kakuzu, un... Uncle Dei's going to fix you something to eat." He went to the kitchen, followed by Tobi.

"Senpai! Tobi made some onigiri, maybe Kaku-chan likes it! Let Tobi help you!"

"So you really care about your partner, don't you, Hidan?" Sasori said, laughing a little.

"Fuck you! I don't give a shit; besides, we're gonna need him when the fucking jutsu wears off." The Jashinist scowled and crossed his arms over his chest. "I don't care about his fucking upbringing..." Suddenly, he stomped off to the kitchen to yell at the good boy. "Oi, oi, Tobi! That rice ball is too fucking big for Kakuzu's mouth!"

"Sure you don't, Hidan." Sasori went back to the room he shared with Deidara, smirking.


	2. Chapter 2

_"Sure you don't, Hidan." Sasori went back to the room he shared with Deidara, smirking._

In the kitchen, Deidara sat down and put Kakuzu on his lap. "Um, Tobi, Hidan is right, Kakuzu won't be able to eat that, un..."

"Oh? Does senpai think Kaku-chan would like some strained onigiri?", said the masked man innocently, earning a facepalm and an anime sweatdrop from Deidara. Baby Kakuzu kept gurgling and making raspberry sounds while looking around.

"Here, Kaku-chan, give a big bite, you must be hungry and Tobi stored a lot of food in the fridge!", Tobi chirped, holding the rice ball over the baby's mouth. Kakuzu happily started munching on it, and Hidan chuckled at that.

"That little bastard is really hungry, he's gonna bite Tobi's hand off...", the albino stated. Tobi giggled and whimpered comically at the idea.

"Hidan, the baby's got a name, un...", said, Deidara, bouncing the baby and whispering is name in a funny manner. "Ka-kuzu, Ka-kuzuuu..." The dark-haired baby giggled at that and kept biting the humongous rice ball Tobi was holding for him.

"Oh, I see Kakuzu's having lunch.", smiled Konan, while entering the kitchen and kneeling in front of the baby and caressing his face. "Hi, sweety, you're so quiet!"

Deidara laughed. "Kakuzu's never been talkative, I guess that's his normal self, un..."

"I've made the list, Tobi, want to go shopping with me?" Tobi put the rice ball in a plate and jumped up and down, excited. He was dying to choose cutesy stuff for the baby.

"Yes, Konan-san! Let's perform a transformation jutsu right now!", he said, while making the hand seals for the Henge no Jutsu.

"Tobi, not in front of the baby, you're going to scare him!", Konan warned. But it was too late. The cloud of smoke and the totally unknown face from Tobi's disguise were enough to make Kakuzu show a major pouty lip.

"Nnnnnnghhh..." The baby squirmed in Deidara's arms, looking away from Tobi. The good boy kneeled down to coo at Kakuzu:

"Aww, don't be scared, little Kaku-chan! It's just Tobi!" The silver-haired man was furious.

"You fucking idiot, now look what you've done to Kakuzu-chan!" The baby stopped whimpering to look at Hidan; Tobi clapped his hands and did a little dance around the table.

"Yay, Hidan-san sounds like Kaku-chan's mommy!" Deidara and Konan couldn't help but laugh at that statement, while Hidan blushed furiously.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, HEATHEN, I'M NOT HIS JASHIN-DAMNED MOTHER!" Hidan's shouting only made things worse for Kakuzu.

"Waaaaaaah! Waaaaah, waah, waaaaah!" The baby startled once again and cried pitifully, burying his face into Deidara's chest.

"Seriously, quit the fucking crying, Kakuzu! I wasn't yelling at you." The albino scowled.

Deidara started to rub soothing circles on the baby's back, shushing him. "Shhh, it's alright, Kakuzu, un..."

"Tobi's sorry, Kaku-chan!", said the good boy, on his knees. "Tobi didn't mean to scare you!" Kakuzu's response was just a deep sniffle.

"Bye, sweetheart, we'll be back soon..." Konan kissed the baby's forehead before going to the living room with Tobi to perform the transformation jutsu.

The Jashinist took the remaining onigiri from the plate and held it for Kakuzu. "Eat your fucking food, dumbass..." Deidara grinned.

"Look, Kakuzu, Uncle Hidan wants you to finish eating, un... Oh, sorry, I mean... mommy, heh-heh... Un..."

"Don't piss me off, Blondie!", snapped the albino, sending a death glare to Deidara. But his look kind of softened when he saw his partner greedily eating the onigiri. "That's it, you rascal, eat up!" Zetsu appeared from the ground and noticed the infant on Deidara's lap.

"Oh! A cute little baby! **Can I eat him?**" Deidara stood up with the baby in his arms. In the meantime, Kisame and Itachi arrived from the training grounds and went to the kitchen to have a snack.

"Hi, guys! Aww, look, Itachi-san, a chubby baby... Um... He's kind of familiar, ne?", said Kisame, eyeing the baby suspiciously.

"I'm going to get some towels, he needs a bath before taking a nap, un..." Deidara said, handing the baby to Hidan. "Here, be a nice mommy, un..."

"What the fuck? I don't want to hold him!" The Jashinist awkwardly held the baby closer, patting his back gently. "Oi... Don't you dare pissing on me, Kakuzu..."

"He's kind of cute... Where did you find him?" Itachi gave a little smile to the baby, who was tugging on Hidan's necklace.

"You called him Kakuzu... Is this Kakuzu's son? **Or grandson...**" Zetsu was curious.

"He does look like him, you know? The poor little guy has scars on his face, too..." Kisame observed, worried, and spoke softly to the infant. "Did you hurt yourself, baby?"

"The fucking baby **is** Kakuzu, Jashin damn it! It's Tobi's fault, he cast a fucking age-reversing jutsu on him because the old fucker wanted to be younger... Oi!" The albino smacked Kakuzu's hand away from his Jashinist pendant. "Don't fucking drool over it, you little squirt." As soon as he saw tears sprouting from Kakuzu's eyes, he warned: "And don't fucking cry, or I'll get really mad!"

"Uh! Uh! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

"Aww, don't be harsh to Kakuzu... Can I hold him?" Asked Kisame, with a toothy grin. Hidan shrugged and shoved the bundle into the blue-skinned man's arms.

"Be my fucking guest... It's not that I like holding him..." Kisame cooed at the baby in his arms.

"Hello, Kakuzu! Who's the cute little baby? You're the cute little baby, yes you are, yes you are!" Kakuzu stopped crying and squealed at Kisame's antics and funny smile. Itachi patted the baby's head lovingly.

"You're a nice baby, little Kakuzu..." That made the baby smile and reach a chubby arm to touch Itachi's hair. Even Zetsu wanted to give Kakuzu some attention.

"Hey, Kakuzu, look!" He said, closing his venus flytrap appendages. "Where's Uncle Zetsu?" And then he opened them again. "PEEKABOO! **There goes my dignity...**" The baby gave a snorting giggle, which made Hidan chuckle.

"He fucking snorts when he laughs..." Deidara reappeared in the kitchen.

"Kisame no Danna, do you think you can give little Kakuzu a bath? He needs bonding and his own mommy doesn't want to take care of him, un...", he said, narrowing his eyes to Hidan, who was fuming. Kisame laughed while going to the bathroom with the baby.

"Of course, Deidara! Come on, little guy, Uncle Kisame's going to get you clean."

"Oi, Kisame, don't fucking drop him!", said Hidan, with an anime popping vein sprouting from his forehead. "And don't drown him, for fuck's sake!"

"And don't mind Hidan, he's just being a protective mother, un..." Deidara cackled, patting the angry albino's shoulder. "Oh, Konan and Tobi arrived!"

"We're back!" Konan said, entering the kitchen with Tobi. Both were carrying lots of shopping bags. Konan heard cute baby giggles coming from the bathroom. "Is that Kakuzu?"

"Yes, Kisame's giving him a bath... Let me help you with those things, Konan.", said Itachi, lending a hand.

"Tobi bought so many cute clothes for little Kaku-chan!", cheered Tobi, rummaging through the bags. "And Tobi also got something for you, Hidan-san!" He said, taking a black and red apron from one of the bags. "For the happy mom... AAAUGHHHH!" Tobi's excitement was interrupted by a strangling hand up his throat.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU ORANGE BASTARD, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" Hidan shouted, shaking Tobi's head vigorously, in a somewhat comedic way.

"Oh no, not now, Hidan, un..." Deidara grabbed Hidan's arm. "That's my job. For now, you're going to learn how to take care of your partner."

"And I'll be the one teaching you.", said Konan, proud. Kisame got out of the bathroom, with Kakuzu in his arms; the boy was wrapped in a big towel.

"There, all nice and clean! Where do you want me to put him, Konan?"

"On his own bed, please, Kisame, I'm going to take the pack of wipes and the diapers." The blue-haired angel said, holding a bag and dragging the albino along with her by his cloak. "Let's go, Hidan."

"What the fuck did I do to deserve that?" The Jashinist whined.

"You called him 'Kakuzu-chan'... mommy. Un..." Deidara replied, laughing while helping Itachi with the baby stuff.


	3. Chapter 3

_"You called him 'Kakuzu-chan'... mommy. Un..." Deidara replied, laughing while helping Itachi with the baby stuff._

Kisame laid Kakuzu on the bed, which was too big for him at the moment. The baby was still wrapped in the towel, grunting and spitting bubbles, making funny noises. The blue swordsman proceeded to dry him off, gently rubbing the towel all over the baby's chubby body, and Kakuzu gave a hiccupping, funny laugh, along with some snorts.

"I never thought you'd have a cute smile, little guy!" Kisame gave a toothy grin as he finished his job. "There you go..." Kakuzu gurgled and shove a whole hand in his mouth, while the other held a foot.

Konan entered the room with Hidan. "Good job, Kisame, Kakuzu seemed to enjoy his bath!" The blue-haired angel smiled. Hidan sat down on the edge of the bed, beside Kakuzu, who was kicking his chubby legs and still sucking on his hand.

The albino cringed at the sight of the scars on the baby's body. "That is so fucking messed up..."

"I just hope they don't hurt. Those scars are so thin, they look like small tattoos...", said Konan, tracing a finger lightly over one of the scars over the edges of the baby's mouth. That caused Kakuzu to giggle, still with his hand in his mouth. "Aww, sorry, are you ticklish?" Hidan chuckled at the muffled snorting sounds the baby was making.

"Oi, get your fucking hand out of your mouth, bastard..." Hidan motioned to try to remove Kakuzu's chubby hand from that little mouth, to no avail. "You're fucking stubborn!"

"I can fix that... Here it comes, Kakuzu!" Kisame walked his fingers along the stitched baby's round belly, making Kakuzu laugh and thrash both arms. "Tickle-tickle..."

Konan grabbed some wet wipes and started cleaning Kakuzu up; the chunky baby wasn't being very cooperative in the process. "Hidan, could you clean Kakuzu's neck folds? He's a spitting-up mess..." The silver-haired man sighed, getting a wet wipe from a pack.

"Sure, there's no other fucking way after all..." As soon as the cold wet wipe touched Kakuzu's neck and chin, the baby started to squeal and giggle again. "I'm not fucking tickling you, Kakuzu, stop squirming! I can't reach your neck this way..." Konan — who was applying some baby powder on Kakuzu — observed Hidan's reactions to Kakuzu's laughter. He was smiling while cleaning up the baby's ticklish neck. "Quit that, Kakuzu, I said I'm not fucking tickling you..." When Hidan finished cleaning, he briefly poked the baby's side, chuckling. "Okay, now I'm tickling you, dumbass." Kakuzu let out a happy snorting giggle and sneezed.

"Too much baby powder, little guy?" Kisame said, cackling, while passing to Konan a fresh diaper.

"Well... Later, bitches." The albino got up from the bed and headed to the door, only to be grabbed by the collar by Konan. "Aww, what the hell, Konan? I finished my fucking job here..."

"No, you didn't. You must learn how to change Kakuzu's diaper." The blue-haired angel passed the diaper to Hidan. "Here. First, you unfold the diaper and slip it under the baby."

"The little fucker's too fussy!" Hidan was getting a little bit irritated.

"Kisame, could you get the teething ring from the bag and give it to Kakuzu?" Kisame did as she said, but, before giving the teething ring to the baby, he washed the toy in the bathroom sink.

"Here you go, Kakuzu, now be quiet, or mommy won't be able to put you in a diaper." The blue swordsman laughed at Hidan's angry face. "Relax, I'm just kidding..."

"Fuck you, Kisame..." Hidan growled. "There... The fucking diaper's underneath him. Bye." Again, Konan had to grab Hidan by the collar. "Tch! Konan-chan..."

"Don't 'Konan-chan' me, Hidan, now fasten those diaper tabs." Konan giggled and looked at Kakuzu, who was quietly chewing the teething ring and looking at Hidan. "Very good! Kakuzu didn't even pee on you!" Hidan sneered, looking at Kakuzu.

"If he did that, I'd smack his padded ass!" Suddenly the baby turned red, scrunched up his face and close his eyes tightly, whimpering rhythmically. The Jashinist quickly corrected himself. "I... I didn't mean it, Kakuzu-chan, don't..."

"Nyeeeeeeh! Nyeeeh, nyeeh, nyeeeeeeeeeh..." Kakuzu wailed, totally forgetting the teething ring; his tongue sticking out and his tear-stained face made a heartbreaking sight. Konan took the baby in her arms. Sasori peeked through the door, smirking.

"Kakuzu's just hungry. I'm going to prepare the bottle for the noisy little brat."

"Thank you, Sasori..." Konan said softly, patting Kakuzu's back and cooing at him. "Let's go to the kitchen, honey..." Meanwhile, Kisame helped Hidan cleaning up the room he shared with Kakuzu, putting the towel in the dirty clothes hamper and getting rid of the trash.

"Oh, no, don't give me that fucking 'So you do care about the baby' look, Kisame, for Jashin's sake...", said Hidan. Kisame gave a toothy grin and headed to the kitchen, too.

"But you do, ne? You can't deny it, Hidan..."

When Konan and the baby entered the kitchen, Sasori had the bottle ready for Kakuzu, who was still whimpering. "I'll feed him..." The puppet master took the baby carefully from Konan's arms and put a bib loosely under his chubby chin.

"No fair, Danna, I wanted to feed little Kakuzu, un..." Deidara crossed his arms, frowning. But the frown quicky disappeared when the blonde saw the baby greedily sucking on the rubber nipple, finally having his meal. "Awww, look at that, he's even curling his toes, un..."

Itachi reached out a hand to caress Kakuzu's mop of dark hair and stood up, to help Konan fixing dinner. Tobi was jumping up and down, squealing at baby Kakuzu. "When he finishes, Tobi wants to burp him, Sasori-saaaan!"

Pein entered the kitchen to give a loving peck on Konan's face. "And how's Kakuzu doing, so far?" The blue-haired angel smiled at him.

"Everyone's helping out, even Hidan; he cares about his partner, after all." When Kakuzu finished his bottle, Sasori handed him to Tobi, since the good boy wanted so bad to burp him.

"Be careful, Tobi, pat him gently and don't shake him, okay?" Tobi nodded and put the baby on his shoulder, lightly patting his back and cooing in a singsong voice.

"Come on, little Kaku-chan, give a nice, biiiig burp to Uncle Tobi, to Uncle Senpai..." Deidara cringed at that. "...to Uncle Itachi, to Auntie Konan, to Uncle Danna..." Sasori shuddered. "...to Uncle Zetsu, to Uncle Leader-sama..." Pein flinched, and Hidan and Kisame walked into the kitchen. "...to Uncle Kisame and to mommy!" Hidan clenched his teeth and cracked his knuckles.

"Okay, I won't be able to beat the fuck out of you while you're holding the baby..." Tobi jumped, frightened, and decided to quickly hand the baby to Pein and sprint.

"Go to Uncle Leader-sama, Kaku-chan, Uncle Tobi must run fast, now..." The good boy disappeared, leaving a very confused and awkward Pein with Kakuzu in his arms.

Finally, Kakuzu gave a loud burp; the baby startled a little by his own noise and sniffled. Pein quickly crooned at him. "No, no, Kakuzu, don't cry, look here..." And the ginger-haired man took a noisy breath. "Aaaaaaaaaah..." The baby stopped sniffling and paid attention to Pein.

"...choo." Pein feigned a sneeze, closing his Rinnegan eyes and jumping a little. Kakuzu blinked and started to giggle madly. Everyone in the kitchen was gobsmacked; Konan laughed at his lover's antics.

"Nani? Why do you laugh when I... I... Aaaaah..." The baby's bright emerald eyes widened, and he sucked his thumb, in expectation.

"...choo." Kakuzu cracked up, laughing and snorting at the fake sneeze. Pein gave the baby a little smile. "Go to your partner, Kakuzu..." He said, handing the baby to Hidan.

"What the fuck are you staring at, Kaaakuzuuuu?", asked Hidan, saying his name in a funny way while Kakuzu was lying across his lap, wearing a toothless smile and sucking on his thumb so cutely that even Ibiki would melt. The albino smirked and remembered Kisame's little tickling game and walked his fingers across Kakuzu's belly, making the dark-haired baby laugh loudly and kick his plump legs. Hidan sat him up on his lap, wiping the drool from his mouth with the bib. "Put some clothes on, you little asshole..."

"Aren't you a sweet baby?", said Itachi, while dressing up Kakuzu and handing him to Sasori. The puppet master, who didn't need having dinner like his comrades, stayed with Kakuzu in the living room, bouncing him on his knees. Tobi showed up, eventually; Hidan's anger seemed to fade and dinnertime was actually peaceful.

Speaking of peace...

"No, I'm not sharing the fucking bedroom with that screeching little bugger, Konan.", said the Jashinist, pointing at Kakuzu, all comfy in Konan's arms and fidgeting with his footy pyjamas.

"But, Hidan, he's your partner, and he seems to like you!" Konan put the innocent baby in Hidan's arms. "Go to Uncle Hidan, baby..."

"I SAID NO, AND I'M NOT GONNA CHANGE HIS FUCKING DIAPERS!", Hidan yelled, shoving Kakuzu back to Konan's arms. The baby flinched and pouted. Deidara, tired of that stupid argument, took the baby in his arms.

"Can't you keep it down? You're scaring the baby, un..." He kissed Kakuzu's forehead and cuddled him. "So sweet! Listen, he can sleep in my room, I'm sure Sasori no Danna won't mind, un..."

"Excuse me, Deidara-chan!" Hidan tapped the blonde bomber's shoulder. "Is Kakuzu your partner, by any fucking chance? I don't think so." The albino took Kakuzu from Deidara and held him close to his chest, gently patting his back.

Deidara nudged a giggling Konan. "He's jealous, un... Talk about bipolar mothers..." Hidan's cheeks got a deep shade of red and he sneered, while he was slowly lying the sleepy baby on Kakuzu's own bed.

"Cut the fucking jokes, Blondie, or I'll sacrifice this bundle of misery to Jashin-sama!" He said, carefully tucking the baby in and surrounding him with pillows. After that, he popped a pacifier into the baby's mouth, and Kakuzu accepted it instinctively, chewing on it noisily in his sleep. Deidara and Konan couldn't help but coo at that.

"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww (un)..." Hidan rolled his purple eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, he can be a fucking cute kid when he tries, seriously. G'night, bitches. Er... Deidara-chan, what the hell is a bipolar?"


	4. Chapter 4

_"Yeah, yeah, he can be a fucking cute kid when he tries, seriously. G'night, bitches. Er... Deidara-chan, what the hell is a bipolar?"_

Everything went well during that night... till 4 AM, when Kakuzu lazily opened his eyes and...

_"Nnghh... What happened? It looks like I slept for ages, and I'm hungry..."_ Kakuzu's thoughts were flowing, as he felt a very familiar fabric underneath his hands. _"It's my bed... But... I can't see anything! I can't get up! It's dark in here... Where's everybody? Hidan! HIDAN!"_

Unfortunately, Kakuzu couldn't voice his thoughts properly, because he was still a baby, so all he could do was crying desperately. "Nyeeeeeeeeeh! Nyeh, nyeeh, nyeeeeeeeh!" That was enough to wake Hidan up.

"Shit..." The Jashinist said, yawning, still with his eyes closed and slowly getting up. He turned on the light, walked towards Kakuzu's bed like a zombie — he wasn't completely awake — and picked up the baby, who was glad to see his partner.

_"Hidan! Listen, I'm hungry! Give me something to eat, my tummy hurts... Did I just say tummy?"_ Hidan headed to the kitchen, cradling the crying baby Kakuzu as if he was a sack of flour; Zetsu was at the table, having a glass of tea.

"Oh, hi, Hidan, waking up so soon? **What's with the screaming brat?**" The albino said nothing, he just shoved the baby into Zetsu's arms and walked back to his bedroom, mumbling.

"Don't cry, Kakuzu, be a nice little baby and... **Shut up!**" Zetsu rocked Kakuzu back and forth.

_"Zetsu... I want my breakfast!"_ All Zetsu could hear was Kakuzu's piercing cry. "Nyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh! Nyeeh, nyeeeh!"

"I think he's hungry... **Well, feed the porker!** Don't worry, Kakuzu, I'll prepare you a bottle. **You hold him, I'll make it.**" Zetsu cradled Kakuzu in an arm, while the other mixed awkwardly the formula. When the bottle was ready, he sat down with Kakuzu and gave him his meal; Kakuzu accepted it greedily. "Good boy! **Drink up and shut it, you pest!**"

_"I wanted food, not milk... But that will do. I'm hungry as hell..."_ The baby gave a deep sigh and closed his eyes while sucking on the rubber nipple and curling his toes.

"Aww, he's so cute... **He's a fat ass.** **And don't go all retarded on him, or I'll die from sugar overload!**" Kakuzu finished his meal and Zetsu put him on his shoulder to burp him. "Come on, Kakuzu... **And don't spit up on me!**", he said, gently patting the baby's back. Suddenly, Zetsu hears a scream from the room that Hidan and Kakuzu shared.

"HOLY JASHIN, WHAT HAVE I DONE?" Hidan ran into the kitchen, still in his pyjama pants, and he looked nervous. "Zetsu! Where the fuck is Kakuzu? You didn't... eat him, did you?"

Zetsu rolled his eyes and sighed. "Of course not, Hidan, why would I do that? **Besides, I've had breakfast already.** Poor little Kakuzu was awfully hungry, though..." He said, gazing upon Kakuzu with concern.

The chubby baby was cradled in the plant man's arms, gurgling, spitting bubbles and looking peacefully at his partner. _"Oh, hi, Hidan, where have you been?"_

"My bad, Zetsu, I was just worried about the little fucker..." The albino gazed down at Kakuzu and reached out a hand to lightly poke the baby's nose. "I shouldn't be, though. You're fucking noisy, seriously!"

Kakuzu looked away, pouting. _"Quit getting mad at me and leave me alone, baka... Being trapped in this situation is upsetting enough."_ The stitched baby felt like crying, and the Jashinist quickly stomped off to their bedroom, leaving a very hurt and confused Kakuzu. _"Are you really leaving me alone?"_

Hidan got back to the kitchen holding Kakuzu's pacifier and shoved it into the baby's mouth, smirking. "I don't want you to bawl in my ears again, Fatso." He laughed softly at Kakuzu's sigh of relief, as the baby sucked a pacifier that seemed to be too small for his plump, chunky face. "I fucking hate your crying..." Kakuzu gave a little hiccupping and snorting giggle when Hidan shook his hand playfully, grinning at him. "...but you're fucking funny when you laugh up a storm."

_"I'm not funny... Did you just call me 'Fatso', Hidan?"_ The sweet Kodak moment between Hidan and Kakuzu was interrupted by a very familiar squeal coming from the corridors.

"Aww, Hidan-san does care about little Kaku-chan! And the baby likes his mommy!" Tobi skipped into the room all of a sudden and waved at Kakuzu, who was lying across Zetsu's lap.

"Shut the fuck up, you orange heathen, another remark like that and I'll sacrifice you, mask and all!" Hidan sneered, letting go of Kakuzu's chubby hand and trying not to shout and scare the little stitched baby. Tobi kept crooning at Kakuzu.

"Look at little Kaku-chan's blushy cheeks, he's so adorable, Uncle Tobi likes your squishy face!" And the good boy pinched the baby's cheek, startling Kakuzu. "Coochy-coochy-coo!" The baby blushed, spat up some formula and started to wail and squirm, he seemed embarrassed.

_"I hate that, Tobi!"_ "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Waaah, waah, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

"What's going on here?" Pein appears, followed by Konan. He glances at the baby, who cried pitifully and dropped his pacifier. "What happened to Kakuzu?"

"Nothing, really... **Tobi is pestering the kid.**" Zetsu said, holding a squirming Kakuzu. The ginger-haired man picked the baby up and rubbed his back gently, shushing him.

"Shhhhh, Kakuzu, you're alright, shhhh, don't cry..." The light motions were soothing, and soon Kakuzu stopped crying; Pein was sure he heard a comedic choking sound behind him. "Hidan, let go of Tobi's neck, you know sometimes he doesn't know what he's doing... ITAI!" The stitched baby was pulling one of Pein's piercings in his ear. "No, Kakuzu, don't!" Pein gently pried Kakuzu's hand off his ear and looked at him sternly. Kakuzu's eyes got bigger and teary; he looked away and pouted, avoiding the Rinnegan eyes. "It's okay, Kakuzu, don't be sad, I couldn't be mad at you." Pein said, ruffling the baby's big mop of hair before handing him to Konan.

"Pein knows pain..." The blue-haired angel giggled, making her lover shyly look away.

Tobi washed the pacifier in the sink and offered to Kakuzu. "Uncle Tobi's sorry, little Kaku-chan, Uncle Tobi won't pinch you anymore!" He said, patting the baby's head; the good boy earned a grunt of understanding from Kakuzu, and he beamed under that mask when the baby reached out his arms to him. Konan laughed lightly.

"You didn't hurt him, Tobi, I guess it's the whole babytalk that gets him annoyed..." Tobi giggled and skipped to the living-room with Kakuzu.

"Uncle Tobi thinks Kaku-chan is a good boy too, so Uncle Tobi's got a nice present for you!" He laid the baby on the couch, took a scroll from a pocket in his cloak, opened it, made some hand seals and... POOF!

"Tobi, that's a nice crib, un!" Deidara entered the room at that moment. The good boy had bought (with Kakuzu's money, but that's a thing the baby doesn't need to know) a wooden baby crib that was also a playpen and even had a changing table attached. "You saw that, little Kakuzu? Now you won't sleep on that hard bed of yours anymore, un..." The blonde said, picking up Kakuzu and nuzzling him before putting him in the crib.

_"This thing is comfortable... I could spend hours and have my meals in here."_ Kakuzu seemed satisfied, playing with his feet and gurgling, as always. Everyone came to see the baby's new bed.

"Aww, just look how cozy and snuggly he seems, Itachi-san... Soon he will be rolling over, then sitting up..." Kisame grinned, reaching out a hand to gently poke the baby's belly.

"And then he's going to crawl..." Itachi agreed, smiling at the giggling baby.

"...and start to fucking mess with my stuff and toddle around the base like mad." Hidan sneered, making everyone laugh. "Seriously, he's fine like this." Suddenly, the baby gave a grunt and Konan scrunched up her nose, playfully.

"I think little Kakuzu has made a stinky..." Sasori patted the albino's shoulder, smirking.

"You said the baby is fine like this, so I'm sure you won't mind cleaning him up, Hidan..."

"WHAT?" Again, Hidan's shouting startled Kakuzu. "I'm not gonna change his shitty diapers!" Tobi made a little dance around the silver-haired man.

"But Hidan-san, it's not hard, it's something every mommy in the world must know! Tobi will help you!" Hidan clenched his jaw, but calmed down; after all, someone would help him out.

_"I... I'm not feeling fine... Please someone help me..."_ Kakuzu's face was red, and he pitifully whimpered, flailing his arms, begging to be held. Deidara sighed, narrowing his visible eye at Hidan and picking up Kakuzu.

"Okay, Tobi will bathe him and I'll change Kakuzu's diaper, un. But you're going to dress him up, Hidan, or I'm going to start calling you a "careless mom" from now on, un!" The Jashinist groaned, defeated.

"Fuck... Alright, alright, Blondie, understood! I'll get his clothes." Of course Hidan thought about choosing some outfit that was easy to put on the baby; he settled for a light green baby bodysuit and a pair of white woolen baby booties. Kisame and Sasori pushed the crib to Kakuzu's and Hidan's room.

"Little Kaku-chan is squeaky clean!" Tobi appeared in the room, holding the baby, who was wrapped in a soft towel. Deidara patted the masked boy's shoulder, something very rare to see.

"Good boy, Tobi, un. Put him on the changing table, I'll take it from here." The blonde bomber took a fresh diaper and slipped it under Kakuzu and started the cleaning up. In the meantime, Hidan took a little nap in his own bed, while waiting. But it was hard for him to nap while the baby gurgled and giggled happily and Deidara cooed at Kakuzu. "You silly baby, un. Now you're smiling, eh? Uncle Dei likes when you smile, un..."

"Can 'Uncle Dei' and 'silly baby' keep it down? I'm trying to fucking snooze, here..." Hidan couldn't have a wink of sleep, mainly because Deidara put the diapered baby on his stomach. "What the hell?" The blonde smile triumphantly, folding his arms.

"It's your turn now, Hidan. Dress him up, or he's going to catch a cold, un." And he left the room along with a skipping Tobi, while Hidan brought the baby to Kakuzu's old bed, lying him on the unbuttoned baby bodysuit.

"Don't you give me a hard time, Fatso.", said the albino, poking Kakuzu's nose and shoving the pacifier into his mouth. "Fucking hold still and be quiet." Hidan proceeded to put the woolen booties on the baby's feet. "Well, that was fucking easy."

_"You're calling me 'Fatso', again? My name is Kakuzu, damn it... Oh, no, don't do that, don't..."_ Kakuzu started to laugh and snort madly, Hidan was trying to put the baby's arm through the bodysuit's sleeve, tickling him in the process.

"Here we go again... Oi, Kakuzu, stop kicking your fatty legs, I'm not tickling you! At least I'm not trying to..." Then he did the same to the other arm, and he couldn't help but smile slightly at the cute, laughing Kakuzu. Finally, he buttoned the bodysuit and picked the baby up. "Come here, you squirming little fucker." Hidan sat down on his bed to bounce Kakuzu on his knee, holding him under his armpits. "Just look at you, Kakuzu-chan, bouncing like a fucking rag doll..."

_"That's fun..."_ Kakuzu let out some squeaks and snorts of happiness and gave a big toothless smile to Hidan, maybe because his partner was grinning at him.

"Bouncy, bouncy Kakuzu-chan..." After a couple of minutes, Hidan stopped bouncing him. "Okay, that's enough and I'm bored, you're going to your fucking crib."

_"Why did you stop playing?"_ Kakuzu's eyes started to blink tears and his lip quivered. _"I... I was liking that... I..."_ The Jashinist groaned and put Kakuzu on his shoulder and patted his back, shushing him and sort of soothing him in his own peculiar way.

"Shhhh, Kakuzu, be a nice little rascal and don't fucking cry..." Sasori and Deidara entered the bedroom by that moment.

"Awwwwwwww, un, look, Danna... Hidan is a natural mother!" Hidan glared daggers at the blonde.

"See, Hidan? It's not so bad when you take care of someone who knows you so well." Sasori smirked. Hidan gazed down at Kakuzu, who was snuggling up on his bare chest and eyeing his necklace. The albino chuckled.

"Tch... Kakuzu, you don't want to play with the rosary this time? Don't be fucking shy, I won't slap your hand away again..."

At that, Deidara's visible eye twitched. "Hidan, un... Have you slapped the baby's hand?"

"Ah, er, it was a... corrective slap? He was tugging on my necklace... Anyway, it was just once, Deidara-chan!"

"Don't 'Deidara-chan' me, un!" Deidara made some hand seals. The albino handed Kakuzu to Sasori and sprinted. The blonde bomber chased him outside the base.

"KATSU!" Zetsu could swear he saw Hidan flying while he was at the training grounds.

Sasori sighed and smiled down at Kakuzu. "You've got not only an overprotective mother, little guy... There's an overprotective uncle, too." Little Kakuzu gave a hiccupping giggle and leaned on Sasori's chest.


	5. Chapter 5

_Sasori sighed and smiled down at Kakuzu. "You've got not only an overprotective mother, little guy... There's an overprotective uncle, too." Little Kakuzu gave a hiccupping giggle and leaned on Sasori's chest._

Kakuzu was left in his crib, sleeping soundly, while everyone was finishing breakfast before going to their missions. Pein had a decision.

"It looks like Tobi will have to take care of Kakuzu while we're out. I'm sure he won't object." Tobi was screaming with happiness while putting the dishes in the sink.

"Yay! Tobi will be a good boy and little Kaku-chan is going to be alright!"

"Maybe he won't object, Leader-sama, but I will, un." Deidara glared at Tobi, worried about the fate of the baby in the good boy's clumsy hands. Hidan laughed.

"Who's being fucking overprotective now, Deidara?" That earned a death glare from the blonde. "Whoa, I'm just kidding."

"Relax, Deidara, what could possibly happen? All Kakuzu does is sleeping, he can't walk yet, or even crawl..." Kisame tried to give some reassurance to the blonde.

"By the way, Hidan, could you check up on Kakuzu, please? It's time for his meal..." Konan asked the albino, while she was preparing the baby's bottle.

"Again? Have you fucking seen him? The brat's becoming a fat fuck!" The blue-haired angel gave him the sad puppy eyes and he had no other choice than quitting the whining and heading to his bedroom. "Oh, for the love of Jashin, okay, I'm going!"

As soon as he entered the room, he noticed Kakuzu was covered from head to toe by his fleece baby blanket. Hidan pulled the blanket from the baby's face; Kakuzu seemed to be sleeping.

"Wake up, you lazy little fucker." Kakuzu slowly opened his eyes, gave a little giggle and... pulled the blanket over his face again. The Jashinist raised an eyebrow.

"What the fuck?" And he pulled the blanket from the baby's face again. Kakuzu gave another giggle, he seemed amused by Hidan's impatience.

_"Look at me, I'm going to turn invisible."_ And the stitched baby once again pulled his blanket over his face. Hidan chuckled a bit, and started to call him in a singsong voice.

"Kaaaakuzuuuuuu... Where the fuck are you?" And he pulled the blanket from his face once more, making the baby squeal. "There you are!"

_"Now you can't see me."_ Kakuzu giggled and pulled the blanket over his face, expecting his partner to pull it again, but it didn't happen. _"Eh?"_ There was only silence.

_"Is Hidan gone?"_ The baby thought, before uncovering his face, only to get startled by a sudden appearance of Hidan's best evil expression over the crib.

"ROAR!" Hidan playfully growled, and Kakuzu shrieked, but not from amusement; he's got caught off-guard. It was the albino's turn to be amused. "If you could only see your fucking face now, bastard..." Hidan said, laughing.

_"You scared me... Why did you... How could you..."_ The little one blushed and started pouting and cried softly, rubbing his teary eyes with one chubby balled fist and holding the blanket. "Mmmmmhhh..."

The albino rolled his eyes and smirked. "Tch, I should have said 'peekaboo', instead..." Hidan reached out a hand to pat the baby's belly, calming Kakuzu down. "Shhhh... Oi! Don't be a fucking baby now, Fatso, shhhhh..." He shoved the pacifier into the baby's mouth. "There's a good dumbass..." Kakuzu reached his arms up to his partner, sniffling cutely and flailing his legs.

_"I want up... Come on, moron, pick me up!"_ The Jashinist was still gazing up on the baby, observing Kakuzu's moves. _"Oh, never mind, I'll try to stand up myself..."_

"You won't get anything if you keep crying like a fucking pussy, Kakuzu." Suddenly, Hidan saw Kakuzu arching his back and rolling over, from his back to his belly. "What the fuck? Are you getting smart, Kuzu?" He finally scooped up the stitched baby. Kakuzu frowned at the nickname and Hidan poked his forehead playfully. "Oi, oi, stop sulking."

_"Make me. And don't call me 'Kuzu', baka."_ Hidan grinned and gave him a tummy tickle.

"Kuzu, Kuzu, Kuzu..." The baby gave a hiccupping and snorting giggle while trying to avoid the attack.

_"I'm not in the mood for laughing!"_ Although he acted as if he was in pain and distress, Kakuzu was enjoying the attention, like a baby would do. Hidan noticed Kakuzu was holding his blanket to his cheek.

"You might hate me for saying that, Kakuzu-chan, but you look fucking cute right now." Hidan smirked at a glaring Kakuzu and took his partner to the kitchen. "Come on, Konan will chop my head off if you don't have your bottle."

_"I would like to see that."_ Kakuzu was gurgling in Hidan's arms, clutching his blanket. As soon as they entered the kitchen, Konan smiled at the baby.

"Aww, hello, my wittle Kakuchu..." Kisame burst out laughing along with Hidan; Sasori only smirked and rolled eyes, and Itachi did the same. Deidara snatched Kakuzu from Hidan's arms.

_"It's even worse than 'Kuzu'..."_ The baby frowned, looking down and leaning onto Deidara's shoulder.

"You both are so mature, un..." He said, cuddling the baby and taking the pacifier out of his mouth. "Are you hungry, little Kakuzu?"

Tobi clapped his hands, jumping around. "Yatta! Can Tobi give little Kaku-chan the bottle, senpai? Onegaaai!" He was holding the bottle Konan had made for Kakuzu.

"If that means you're going to be quiet for a while, then you can, Tobi, un." The blonde bomber handed the baby to Tobi. "But be careful, he's not a toy, un!"

Everyone was gathered around Tobi and Kakuzu; the baby was quietly being bottlefed, his big emerald eyes shyly looking away.

"Look at those chubby hands trying to hold the bottle... **Chubby? The kid is a porker, nuff said.**", said Zetsu.

"Wittle Kakuchu is an S-Rank wittle cutie, ne?" Kisame shook his head teasingly and grinned widely. He was mocking Konan's babytalk. Itachi glared at the blue swordsman.

"Really, Kisame... You're going to upset Kakuzu." Kisame tried to contain his mocking ways and Konan laughed softly.

"Seriously, Konan, does Kakuzu like all that fucking gibberish?" Hidan raised an eyebrow. Konan rolled her eyes at that.

"Hidan, this is called 'bonding'." The baby looked at Hidan and Konan curiously while sucking on the bottle.

"Nope. In my book, this is called 'fucking ridiculous'." The albino said, still looking at Kakuzu, who was almost finishing his bottle. "By the way, I saw the little squirt rolling over."

"You did?" Konan's eyes sparkled. "Oh, I missed that... Wittle Kakuchu's becoming a big boy..."

"Awwww, Uncle Tobi is so proud of you, little Kaku-chaaaan!", said the good boy, putting the empty bottle away and smiling under the orange mask.

_"Can't anyone get my name right?"_ The baby did the cutest sad lip ever (in Tobi's own opinion), and his eyes were becoming teary. Pein, noticing that Kakuzu was going to cry, waved at him.

"Psst, Kakuzu..." And the ginger-haired man took a noisy breath, he was going to do the sneezing routine. "Aaaaaaah..." Kakuzu looked at him and supressed a giggle; he knew what was going to happen.

"...choo." Pein jumped a little bit and closed his eyes. Kakuzu laughed hysterically, flailing his arms and drooling a little. "See? I told you he laughs at fake sneezes..."

_"He sneezed! That's hilarious!"_ The baby kept giggling, until he had a fit of hiccups. _"What... What's going on... here? Am I... going to... explode?"_

Tobi put the baby on his shoulder. "Oh no, Tobi forgot to burp little Kaku-chan!" He patted Kakuzu's back, until there was a little burp... followed by a major spit up. "Acha, Tobi forgot to put a towel on the shoulder!"

Itachi took Kakuzu from Tobi's arms. "Go wash yourself, Tobi, we'll take care of him until you're back." Tobi nodded vigorously and sprinted to the bathroom and the weasel placed the baby in the corner of a couch in the living room, supported by some cushions. "Don't worry, Kakuzu, you're going to learn to sit up by your own soon. For now, we will help you." He said, caressing the baby's mop of hair and heading to his mission with Kisame. The blue swordsman made a funny gesture of reverence in front of the baby.

"All hail the almighty Buddha..." And he gave his toothy grin while ruffling the baby's hair before joining Itachi. "You're sitting just like him, Kakuzu-kun." The baby gave a toothless smile, amused.

_"Yes, I was bored of lying on a bed all the time..."_ Kakuzu was gurgling and holding his blanket to his face.

Deidara kneeled down in front of the stitched baby and gave him the pacifier. "We'll have to go now, little Kakuzu, un. If you feel like smacking Tobi's face, feel free to do so." He kissed the baby's forehead and headed outside.

_"Are you all going somewhere?"_ Kakuzu was kind of confused, seeing his friends in a little bit of a hurry.

"Bye, Kakuzu... Try not to get in trouble, okay?" Sasori passed by the baby and patted his head. Tobi got back from the bathroom, wearing a clean cloak and started to pick some toys for Kakuzu.

Konan kissed the baby and caressed his plump face. "Now be a good baby, wittle Kakuchu..." Then she smirked. "Hidan, I can hear you snickering." Pein reached out a hand to tickle under the baby's chin a little.

"I know you can be more mature than Tobi, Kakuzu, but take care, anyway." Kakuzu giggled, fidgeting with his blanket.

Tobi handed some toys to the baby: a rattle, a plushy and a rubber ducky. "Look, Kaku-chan, do you like any of those toys? Uncle Tobi didn't know exactly what you liked..." Kakuzu found the rattle interesting, so much so he started to smack it on Tobi's masked face, playfully. The good boy feigned pain, just to make the baby laugh.

"Ouch, aiee, ouchy... Don't do that to Uncle Tobi, Kaku-chan!" Hidan entered the room and noticed that Kakuzu was distracted.

"Oi, Tobi, wanna see Kakuzu being fucking funny?" He said, smirking.

The masked man jumped up and down, excited. "Hai! Tobi does, Hidan-san!" The Jashinist started to call Kakuzu, as if he couldn't see him in the room.

"Kaaaaakuzuuuuuu... Where the fuck are you?" When Kakuzu heard Hidan calling him in a funny voice, he immediately covered himself with the baby blanket, giggling softly and expecting his partner to "find" him. Hidan grinned and pulled the blanket from Kakuzu's face, earning a loud squeal and a hiccupping fit of giggles. "There you are!" Tobi laughed at the scene, he was impressed by Kakuzu's smart ways.

Hidan poked Kakuzu's nose. "Well, it's my first fucking mission without you, Kakuzu, so I won't have to cope with your Jashin-damned bounty hunting." Kakuzu's eyes were becoming wider and brighter.

_"A mission? I wanna go too! I wanna! I wanna!"_ The baby was squirming with so much strenght, he toppled over and fell from the couch. Tobi grabbed him before he could hit the ground.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Kakuzu? Don't worry me like that, you bastard!" Hidan's lecture was a little bit louder; he noticed that, and so did Kakuzu, who was trying hard not to cry. "Oi, you're getting too fucking emotional, you know very well I am a loud person, damn it!"

"Whoa, look at that cute big, big pouty lip, Hidan-san! Little Kaku-chan is going to cry!" Tobi observed, gazing upon Kakuzu, he was scrunching up his face and holding his blanket tightly.

The albino rolled his eyes at the "brilliant" deduction. "No shit, Sherlock..." He tried to speak softly to Kakuzu this time. "Look, I'm sorry, Kuzu..."

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh! Waaah, waaah, waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" The dark-haired baby even dropped his pacifier. Hidan winced at Kakuzu's bawling and took the baby from Tobi's arms.

_"I hate when you yell, baka! I just wanted to go with you!"_ Once again, Kakuzu only could voice his thoughts by crying his eyes out. Hidan cuddled the baby on his shoulder, smirking.

"You overdramatic little squirt... What the fuck am I gonna do with you? Shhhh..." Kakuzu's wails were reduced to sniffles. "I'm sorry, now calm the fuck down." He said, wiping the baby's tears with a thumb.

"Aww, I know why Kaku-chan is crying, Hidan-san! It's because he's going to miss his mommy!" The albino fumed and handed the baby to Tobi.

"Shut the fuck up, I'm not this little motherfucker's fucking mother." The unexpected wordplay made Kakuzu giggle a little bit. Hidan smiled at that and poked Kakuzu's nose once again. "Tch! Kakuzu-chan..." And he went away, waving without looking back. "Jaa na!"

Tobi laid Kakuzu on the carpet and went to the kitchen to clean up the pacifier. "You know, Kaku-chan, Uncle Tobi's wondering if he could try performing the age-reversing jutsu again on you... Uncle Tobi thinks he remembers the sequence of hand seals. What could go wrong?" Tobi got back to the room and Kakuzu looked at him, confused.

"Let's see... Hare, boar, ox and tiger..." A cloud of smoke engulfed Kakuzu, and, after a couple of minutes, it dissipated. Tobi was gobsmacked at the sight in front of his very eyes. "Oh my Kami!"


	6. Chapter 6

_"Let's see... Hare, boar, ox and tiger..." A cloud of smoke engulfed Kakuzu, and, after a couple of minutes, it dissipated. Tobi was gobsmacked at the sight in front of his very eyes. "Oh my Kami!"_

Kakuzu was still a baby. But something was different... In fact, awkwardly different. Tobi scooped up the baby, crying of happiness. An anime waterfall of tears was coming out of the hole in his mask while he was hugging a still confused Kakuzu.

"Little Kaku-chan, you've become even cuter!" Tobi caressed the baby's now bald head in awe. Well, Kakuzu wasn't totally bald: there was a tiny little lock of dark hair on the top of his head, making his chubby features even more adorable. "You're more babyish than ever!"

_"What? What do you mean, Tobi?"_ Kakuzu's thoughts vanished as soon as Tobi gave him the pacifier and sat him on his lap, shaking the rattle in front of him.

"Deidara-senpai will kill Tobi when he finds out what Tobi did to you, Kaku-chan..." The good boy sighed. "Tobi could try casting another jutsu, but..." He hugged Kakuzu again, crying in a comedic way. "Tobi doesn't want to torture you!"

Baby Kakuzu was absent-mindedly sucking on his pacifier, oblivious to the matter. _"Whatever... Nice rattle..."_

Zetsu appeared from the ground, suddenly. "Hi again, Tobi. **How's the fat ass doing?**" Tobi quickly covered Kakuzu's face with the baby blanket and stood up, holding him.

"Oh! Z-Zetsu-san! Little Kaku-chan is fine, Tobi was going to give him a bath... Um, why d-did you come back?"

"Kuro forgot to take the scroll... **I didn't, you forgot, you asshole!**" Zetsu took a scroll from the desk in the living room and put it in the cloak's pocket. "Well, bye, Tobi, bye, baby Kakuzu! **See you, losers!**" Kakuzu gurgled cutely from under the blanket and the plant man smiled and waved, disappearing again from the living room's floor. Tobi, relieved, took Kakuzu to the bathroom, along with the rubber ducky.

After bathing the baby, Tobi put him in a clean diaper. Tobi giggled at Kakuzu's sneezes; curse that damned baby powder! The baby was lying on his back, on his own bed, while Tobi was picking some cutesy clothes for him. Kakuzu was having the time of his baby life, chewing on his own toes and gurgling.

The good boy dressed Kakuzu in a cute, fluffy striped pair of crawler bottoms and a long-sleeved light blue t-shirt. He even tied a tiny purple baby bow on Kakuzu's lock of hair. "You look precious, little Kaku-chan!" Kakuzu arched his back and rolled over to his belly and held his head up, paying attention to Tobi. "Sugoi! Soon you'll be crawling!"

_"My head feels heavy..."_ Kakuzu was rolling around and wiggling slowly like a little worm on the carpet, testing his limits, until he sees something shiny near him. _"What's this?"_ He reaches out a hand and grabs the object. It was Hidan's necklace; Kakuzu, lying on his belly, tries to get Tobi's attention by tugging on his leg-warmer. The orange-masked man was writing on a diary (he wanted to take notes on the baby's achievements) and looked at him, curious.

"Have you found something, little Kaku-chan? Ooh, it's mom... Uncle Hidan's amulet, it must have fallen from his neck when he was trying to calm you down!" Kakuzu threw the object away, uninsterested.

_"I don't want to play with that... Hidan got mad and slapped my hand because of that thing."_ He rolled to his back and lift his chubby arms to Tobi, making raspberry noises and big, googly pleading eyes. _"Pick me up! I want up, Tobi!"_

Tobi picked up the infant and put Hidan's necklace on the desk. "Uncle Tobi won't let you have that, you could swallow it!" Since Kakuzu was yawning, Tobi decided to put him in the crib with his toys and sit on the bed next to it, still writing notes in his diary. The good boy planned to make a baby book for Kakuzu.

"Uncle Tobi thinks you can eat some solid food... Do you like bananas, Kaku-chan? Or cereal? You can try later..." Tobi knew the other Akatsuki members wouldn't be back until the next day, so he felt more at ease to choose what was good for the baby. Meanwhile, Kakuzu was lying on his back in the crib, kicking his legs to all directions and slowly closing his eyes and struggling to be awake at the same time. Tobi gave him the pacifier and his blanket and got back to his writings.

The room was silent and peaceful, Tobi kept scribbling about baby Kakuzu. _"Tobi thinks little Kaku-chan is about four months, he is very smart and chubby, he's learning to roll over but he doesn't talk; he is able to support his head. He likes when people smile at him, but he doesn't like when Hidan-san yells. But, then, who does? He likes to..."_

_"Tobi!"_ Pein's voice echoed in the room.

"Aaaah, Leader-sama!" The poor boy fell from the bed. "The telepathy jutsu scares Tobi..." He said, standing up and rubbing his head. He could swear he heard a low chuckle.

_"How's the babysitting going?"_

"Little Kaku-chan is fine, he's about to fall asleep!" Tobi giggled, looking at Kakuzu; the baby was dozing off. "Today Tobi's going to introduce him to solid food..."

_"Not onigiri again, right, Tobi?" _Sasori joined the conversation._ "That was an emergency until Kakuzu could have formula."_

Tobi shook his masked head vigorously. "Oh no, Sasori-san, just some strained banana and cereal! You know, stuff that toothless people eat..."

_"Aww, listen, Pein, we can hear wittle Kakuchu snoring..."_ Konan chirped in the middle of the conversation.

_"Heh-heh-heh... Kakuchu... Like Pikachu..."_ Hidan snickered and Konan giggled, amused. _"Oi, Tobi, did the bastard get my fucking rosary? Because, if he did, I swear I'm gonna..."_

"But Kaku-chan's found your necklace, Hidan-saaan!" Tobi quickly replied. Hidan was kind of taken aback.

_"Oh... Kuzu did?"_ And he went back to his normal short-tempered self. _"Well, where was the fucking thing?"_

"On the floor, Tobi thinks it kind of broke when you were cuddling Kaku-chan!" Tobi chirped.

_"Awwwwwww, isn't that sweet? Tough Hidan cuddled the baby..."_ Kisame cooed, playfully, while laughing. Everyone (except Hidan) laughed. The Jashinist exploded.

_"SHUT UP, BITCHES! The little fucker was crying, what in the name of Jashin did you think I was gonna do? Sacrifice him?"_

_"Most likely, un..."_ Deidara replied, laughing.

_"It's okay, Hidan, we knew someday you would care about your partner."_ Itachi sounded concerned.

_"Itachi, I don't fucking care about Kakuzu!"_ The albino whined and then snapped. _"Oi, Tobi, easy on the deathly hugs, and give him the fucking paci when he starts to cry out of nothing."_

_"Awwww, Hidan, you said 'paci'... The world's coming to an end!"_ Konan joked and everyone (except a fuming zealot) laughed again.

_"Tobi, I know you can be responsible when you really try, un... But if I see a single hair messed up on Kakuzu's cute little head, I'm going to make you experience some of my art, and I'm not talking about a stroll in the studio, un!"_ Tobi gulped and whimpered, just thinking about the things Deidara would do if he found out what Tobi did to Kakuzu's mop of hair.

"D-Don't worry, Deidara-senpaaai! Tobi is a good boy and so is little Kaku-chaaan!" The communication ended; everyone went back to their missions and the masked man took a nap on Kakuzu's bed, beside the crib. "Tobi needs a nap, too..."

Three hours have passed, and Tobi woke up to the sound of Kakuzu's crying. "Nyeeeeeeeeeeeeeh!"

"You're hungry, ne, little Kaku-chan? Uncle Tobi knows that because baby goes 'nyeeeh'..." Tobi put the bib on the baby and giggled while going to the kitchen to prepare Kakuzu's meal. "Uncle Tobi will be right back with your food!"

At the mention of food, Kakuzu stopped bawling; now he was sniffling softly while fidgeting with his fleece blanket. _"I'm... I'm hungry... Hurry up..."_ The good boy came back with a bowl of strained banana and cereal. He rested the bowl on the bed, picked up the baby and sat him on his lap, holding him securely with one arm and spoonfeeding him with the other hand.

"Come on, little Kaku-chan, eat it, it's good, yum-yum goodness!" He cooed, while Kakuzu willingly opened his mouth.

_"This is nice... I like it."_ Kakuzu ate happily his food until there was just a little amount of it in the bottom of the bowl. Tobi tried to convinced him:

"Aww, Kaku-chan, you don't want to finish it? Tobi will have to throw it all away, then..." Upon hearing that, Kakuzu opened his mouth again and flailed his arms.

_"Gimme, I hate seeing food going to waste."_ That's the old Kakuzu. Tobi gave him a bottle of fresh water and then burped him.

"Now you're having some tummy time, baby!" Tobi laid Kakuzu on his belly, in the crib; maybe this would encourage him to try crawling. Kakuzu wiggled all around the crib, playing with the toys or just rolling over many times and eating his feet. Tobi continue to update his diary. _"He likes to laugh, especially when he is tickled, but he doesn't like..."_ Tobi stopped writing, turned to Kakuzu and cooed: "Coochy-coochy-coo!"

_"Stop that..."_ The baby blushed, sniffled and gave the cute big pouty lip the good boy loved so much.

"Aww, Uncle Tobi's sorry, here's your paci..." And Tobi turned back to writing on his diary. _"...he deffinitely doesn't like Tobi to say 'coochy-coochy-coo'. He doesn't mind when Tobi calls him Kaku-chan, and Tobi is happy about that."_ He sighed, looking at Kakuzu. "Poor little baby, doesn't have any baby friends to play with..." Suddenly, Tobi had an idea and went to his own room; he came back with a mirror. He kneeled down beside the crib's bars and held the mirror in front of Kakuzu. "Look, Kaku-chan! Look at the baby, isn't he kawaii?"

The stitched plump baby parted his lips, dropping his pacifier, looking curiously at his own image in the mirror, and started to giggle. _"I can't... I can't stop laughing... That bald head is too funny... And it has a bow!"_ Kakuzu rolled over to his back clutching his blanket and giggling and snorting.

"Aww, little Kaku-chan now thinks he has a playmate..." Tobi giggled at the whole cuteness.

The whole afternoon went well. The good boy took notes on the events. _"Tobi found out little Kaku-chan likes storytime, he doesn't like watching television at all. How weird is that? Tobi loves watching cartoons!"_

At dinnertime, Kakuzu had a nice bath and a change, firstly. Then Tobi mixed the formula for his bottle.

Tobi found better to dress the baby in a fluffy snugglesuit that had a hoodie; the others could arrive in the morning and they would take a look at the baby, and Tobi needed to hide baby Kakuzu's baldness. "It's a good thing Kaku-chan doesn't talk yet, ne?" He said, rocking the baby back and forth until Kakuzu started to fall asleep. He gently laid the baby in the crib and covered him with his blanket. "Nighty night, little Kaku-chaaaan..." Tobi prepared himself to go to bed too, and he had chosen to stay in Kakuzu's and Hidan's room just in case the baby needed him. The next morning would be a tough one...


	7. Chapter 7

_Tobi found better to dress the baby in a fluffy snugglesuit that had a hoodie; the others could arrive in the morning and they would take a look at the baby, and Tobi needed to hide baby Kakuzu's baldness. "It's a good thing Kaku-chan doesn't talk yet, ne?" He said, rocking the baby back and forth until Kakuzu started to fall asleep. He gently laid the baby in the crib and covered him with his blanket. "Nighty night, little Kaku-chaaaan..." Tobi prepared himself to go to bed too, and he had chosen to stay in Kakuzu's and Hidan's room just in case the baby needed him. The next morning would be a tough one..._

Early in the morning, Tobi woke up and checked up on the baby; Kakuzu was awake, but lying quietly, concentrated in sucking on his pacifier and playing with his blanket. He gave a cute dimpled smile when he saw Tobi's masked face over the crib. _"Hey Tobi..."_

"You're a better boy than Uncle Tobi, little Kaku-chan!" Tobi gently patted the baby's hooded head and went to the kitchen to fix something to eat. He took Kakuzu's baby book with him, so he could write some more.

"Tobi should add some photos to the book..." Tobi said, absent-mindedly, while flipping an omelette. "Deidara-senpai would appreciate that and forgive Tobi..."

"Forgive Tobi for what? Un." A low voice ghosted behind Tobi, making the good boy send the concoction to the ceiling.

"AAAAAAAH! SENPAAAI!" Tobi put his gloved hand on his chest, panting. "T-Tobi is so glad to see you back! But Tobi almost d-died of a fright!" The blonde smirked and rolled his eyes.

"Too bad you 'almost' died, un. Now, you expected me to forgive you for what?" Deidara said, in a stern tone, crossing his arms above his chest.

"For... For..." Tobi fidgeted, Hinata-style. "For b-burning the food!" He pointed at the omelette stuck on the ceiling, like a messed up wallpaper. "Um, where's Sasori-san?"

"He's probably in Kakuzu's room, he wanted to greet the baby before anything, un." Sasori entered the kitchen cradling Kakuzu carefully.

"Kakuzu's wide awake, and he seems to be fine..." Deidara approached them, beaming as if Christmas had arrived.

"Hi there, little Kakuzu! Did Uncle Baka take good care of you, un? Um, Tobi, why is he wearing that silly hoodie? It's not that cold..." Sasori handed Kakuzu to the blonde and Tobi started to sweat and tremble, he could only think of the torture he had to endure. Meanwhile, Deidara cuddled the baby and kissed his plump cheek. "You little cutie, un! Let Uncle Dei take this hoodie off, I miss playing with your hair..." Kakuzu giggled, happy to see Deidara and Sasori again.

"Uh-oh, Tobi has to get some wood for the stove, jaa ne!" He tiptoed to the forest, just waiting for the worst to happen. And it happened.

A piercing screech echoed inside the whole Akatsuki base. "TOBIIIIIII, WHAT HAPPENED TO KAKUZU? UN!"

Sasori warned his partner, pointing at a terrified Kakuzu: "Deidara, don't shout, Kakuzu's going to..."

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" The stitched baby wept pitifully, frightened by Deidara's anger. The blonde immediately snuggled him, shushing and soothing him while Sasori stroked Kakuzu's somewhat bald head.

"Shhh, there, there, Uncle Dei's not angry at you, Kakuzu... I'm sorry, un..." Kakuzu calmed down a little bit and both men stared at what was left of his hair. "Look, Danna, that idiot had the nerve of tying his hair, un..." Sasori couldn't help but chuckle, flicking the baby's tiny dark-haired lock that still had a cute little purple bow.

"Very typical of Tobi... I remember he wanted to do pigtails on his hair. Poor Kakuzu." And the puppet master turned to the baby. "Don't be scared of your Uncle Dei, little one..."

_"Why... Why were you yelling? Did I do something wrong? I was in bed all the time..."_ Kakuzu sniffled and whimpered softly and leaned on Deidara's chest. The blonde patted the baby's back, while Sasori prepared Kakuzu's bottle. _"And I'm hungry... I'm... I'm..."_ And cried again. "Nyeeeeeeeeeeeh!"

Meanwhile, Kisame and Itachi were on their way to the Akatsuki base, and they eventually saw Tobi passing by and climbing a tree.

"Hey Tobi, what's the hurry? Don't tell me Deidara is home already." The blue swordsman laughed.

"Something like that, Kisame-san! Please help Tobi, senpai is going to kill Tobi!" He screamed from the tree branch where he was sitting on.

"But what have you done, Tobi? Did you mess with Deidara's clay?" Itachi, with his usual tranquility, wanted to know what was going on. Tobi shook his masked head and started to tell them what happened.

At the Akatsuki headquarters, everyone seemed to have calmed down; Kakuzu was nestled in Deidara's arms, having his bottle and clutching his blanket. His big eyes were gazing up on the bomber's, as Deidara smiled at him and pecked him on the forehead. "You're too cute for your own good, un." As soon as Tobi timidly got into the room (followed by Kisame and Itachi), though, the blonde frowned, sitting the empty baby bottle on the table. "Well, baka, better have a good explanation for this, un." And he handed the stitched baby to Kisame. "Want to burp him, Kisame no Danna?"

"Sure! Come over here, Kakuzu-kun..." Kisame gave a toothy grin while putting a towel on his shoulder before placing Kakuzu on it and patting his back. "Deidara, Tobi didn't mean to harm the kid, just listen to him."

"Senpai, Tobi wanted to turn Kaku-chan back to normal, you all seemed to miss the old Kakuzu-san around! So Tobi remembered the hand seals, but the sequence must be wrong, Tobi is so sorry!" The good boy pleaded on his knees, comically, of course, because this is Tobi. But he was being sincere, he really didn't want to hurt Kakuzu.

After burping the baby, Kisame handed him to Itachi, laughing softy. "Kakuzu-kun isn't hurt, his baldness made him even more babyish." Deidara's angry look softened a little bit, as he sighed.

"Old Kakuzu sure is missed, Tobi, but that doesn't mean we're not fond of the baby, un... Even Hidan sort of likes him. I'm not going to punish you, mostly because there's a baby in here and I don't want to expose him to violence, un..." Tobi let out a sigh of relief, but gasped when he met his senpai's stare. "But don't you try my patience! Un!"

"Hai! Tobi will be a good boy as always, Deidara-senpaaaai! Arigatou!" The orange-masked man saluted, then waved at the baby and proceeded to prepare lunch.

Itachi held Kakuzu at his eye's level. "Come on, Kakuzu, it's time for you to learn to talk... Why don't you try talking a little to Uncle Itachi?" He cooed and babbled to the baby. "Goo-goo-da-da... Gaa-gaa... Ma-ma..." Kisame cackled, amused.

"But, Itachi-san, you're teaching a baby how to baby talk!" Everyone laughed. Kakuzu, as always, grunted, spitted bubbles and made funny raspberry sounds while flailing his arms. Itachi cradled the baby and kept talking gibberish to him, in the hopes Kakuzu could imitate him. Suddenly...

"A-goo..." Kakuzu uttered, shyly. What do you know? Itachi's method worked! Tobi clapped hands, while Kisame and Deidara were surprised. Sasori smirked, along with Itachi.

"Awwww, how kawaii is that? Little Kaku-chan can talk!" Tobi jumped up and down, while Itachi bounced the chubby baby on his lap.

_"What's wrong with me? I can't just talk like this..."_ Kakuzu was disappointed; he still couldn't voice his thoughts the way he wanted. But he smiled and babbled again when everyone started to coo at him. "A-goo, hee-hee... A-goo!" Suddenly, he yawned, he seemed tired.

"I guess Kakuzu needs a nice nap after lunch." Sasori said, patting the baby's head gently. Itachi nuzzled Kakuzu while heading to where his crib was. Kisame smiled at the baby in the crib and gave him the pacifier.

"There you go, little guy, now go to sleep like a good boy." He spoke softly and headed to the kitchen. Kakuzu grunted and played with his blanket for a while before drifting into Slumberland.

After an hour, lunchtime was over; Kisame and Itachi went to the training grounds, Sasori was fixing his puppets and Deidara was sculpting in their shared room. Tobi, after doing the dishes, found better to check up on the baby. "If Kaku-chan is snoring, that means he's fine..." The good boy giggled and left Kakuzu's and Hidan's bedroom. It was TV time, and he didn't want to miss the cartoons... but he missed them anyway, because he fell asleep on the couch.

About an hour an a half later, Hidan arrives, all covered in dried blood and dirt and holding his scythe. "Fuck, I seriously need a bath... I HOPE THE FUCKING BATHROOM'S NOT BUSY RIGHT NOW!" He shouted, so everyone could hear. Tobi woke up and jumped from the couch.

"Eek! Hidan-san, is that you? You look like you came back from the dead!" The albino rolled his purple eyes and huffed, placing the scythe on a corner.

"I can't die, you idiot, have you forgotten that?" Hidan spatted and headed to the bedroom, where the baby was, to get some clean clothes. He heard Kakuzu's snores and chuckled, but didn't want to wake him up. The baby was totally covered by his fleece blanket, and stirred a little.

After the shower, the Jashinist went to the kitchen, he was starving. Meanwhile, Kakuzu woke up and started worming around inside the crib, until he found something interesting to play with. As soon as he found his rattle, he lied on his back and shook the rattle happily, flailing his chubby legs and grunting. _"I like this sound. Reminds of coins. Lots of them..."_

From the kitchen, Hidan could hear the mad rattling noise. "I guess the little bastard is up." The albino laughed, with his mouth full of food. Tobi nodded.

"Hai! And little Kaku-chan is learning to talk, Hidan-san! He's a clever cute baby!" Hidan snorted.

"I'm fucking sure his grunts are more understandable now..." Hidan finished his meal and put the plate in the sink before Tobi handed him his necklace. "So Kakuzu found the fucking thing on the ground, right?"

"And he gave it to Tobi... No offense, Hidan-san, but Tobi thinks Kaku-chan dislikes your rosary." The silver-haired man frowned, as he fixed the necklace's clasp; he knew Kakuzu was like that because of that damn smack on the baby's hand and the scold. But the little asshole was asking for it... Wasn't he?

Kakuzu kept playing with the rattle until he heard footsteps and felt a familiar chakra. _"It's Hidan!"_ And the baby quickly covered himself with the blanket. As Hidan entered the room, he noticed the baby was giggling under the blanket and smirked.

"Oi, Kaaakuzuuuuu... Where the fuck are you?" Hidan pulled the blanket from Kakuzu's face, grinning. "There you are!" But his grinning face was replaced by a flabbergasted expression. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?"

Tobi ran to the bedroom, only to find the angry zealot pointing at the bald baby in the crib. "Did you have something to do with this, Tobi? What happened to the little fucker's hair?" The orange-masked man gave a comically high-pitched whimper and explained the whole thing to Hidan. Meanwhile, Kisame and Itachi were back from the training grounds.

"I should sacrifice you for doing that, Tobi." Hidan said, clenching his teeth. "You orange heathen... Thanks to you, he looks like a fucking stitched Kewpie doll!" At that, Kisame burst out laughing.

"It's not that bad, Hidan, Kewpie dolls are sickeningly cute..." Kisame asked, getting a small round mirror and putting it in front of the baby's eyes. "Look at the cute baby, Kakuzu-kun!"

"Little Kaku-chan laughs like a chipmunk when he stares at his own image in the mirror, Kisame-san!" Tobi chirped happily.

_"Funny hair..."_ Kakuzu pointed at his own reflection, giggling. "Hee-hee... A-goo..." He laughed even more when Kisame shaked the mirror from left to right. "A-goo!" The albino cackled and poked the baby's nose, amused.

"Yeah, yeah, 'a-goo' yourself, Kakuzu." Kakuzu was astonished, as he reached out a chubby hand to touch the cold looking glass in front of him. "Oi, oi, oi, don't grab the fucking mirror!"

The somewhat angered voice of Hidan made the baby pout and look at him with big, teary eyes. The Jashinist sighed and leaned over the crib to start a silly conversation with his partner, maybe that would make Kakuzu forgive and forget. "Um, Kakuzu... Tobi said you found my fucking necklace." He grinned, clutching the silver pendant. "I thought you didn't give a shit to this!" Kakuzu, who was lying on his back, looked away, embarrassed.

_"Be glad I didn't break it. If I could walk, I'd throw that stupid object in the toilet and flush it!"_ The baby mumbled some gibberish; after all, he couldn't still talk properly. Hidan arched an eyebrow and smirked.

"What was that, Fatso? You want me to tickle you? Okay then..." The zealot gave a genuine smile to the baby and reached out a hand to tickle Kakuzu's side, sending him into baby hysterics. "Kuzu, Kuzu, Kuzu..."

_"I'm neither F-Fatso nor Kuzu, and I don't w-want to laugh, H-Hidan!"_ Too late. Kakuzu erupted in giggles and snorts, while worming away from his partner's fingers. _"I mean it! S-Stop!"_

"Oh, Jashin, it's fun teasing you, Kakuzu!" Hidan grinned, while tickling the helpless stitched baby. Soon he had to stop, he knew very well Kakuzu would get mad; he gave the pacifier to the baby.

"Alright, you asshole, I can see you're gonna cry if I keep going. Come here..." The albino scooped up the baby into his arms and awkwardly snuggled him. "Happy, now?" What Hidan didn't notice was everyone still in the bedroom, wearing funny smiles.

"Aw, Hidan, you do have a soft spot. **And you look so ridiculous right now!**" Zetsu appeared from the ground and laughed at the scene. Kakuzu rested his head on Hidan's chest, right next to a gash. He firmly stared at the wound, with a concerned look. The albino growled, annoyed. He was about to spit a whole round of swearing when he felt a strange itch on his chest.

"What the fuck? K-Kakuzu?" He gazed down at the baby; from the stitch on his chubby arm, a delicate, silky tendril came out and started to sew the wound up. Kakuzu's big emerald eyes were concentrating on the whole process while he still sucked his pacifier noisily and rested his head on his partner's bosom.

"Isn't he amazing? He's trying to heal your wound, Hidan." Itachi was really impressed. Tobi took Kakuzu's baby book and happily started to write about the baby's achievements.

"Kakuzu-kun does care about his partner, ne?" Kisame said, with a satisfied smile on his face, while stroking Kakuzu's head. Deidara and Sasori entered the room to see what was going on.

"Aw, look, Sasori no Danna, Kakuzu's learning how to sew before learning to walk, un..." And the blonde turned to Hidan. "Aren't you proud of him, mommy?"

"Will you all stop annoying the fuck out of me?" Hidan sneered, but he was interrupted by Sasori.

"Kakuzu finished his work, Hidan. And I must say, what a nice work... The kid's got skills." The redhead smiled at the baby, who gave a shy dimpled smile that was hardly hidden by his pacifier. Hidan's wound has been perfectly sewn up, and now the baby was looking at it with serene eyes.

"Well, don't you have something to say to the baby, Hidan? **You ungrateful bastard.**" Zetsu asked. The Jashinist gazed upon Kakuzu cradled in his arms and smirked, rocking him back and forth.

"Kaakuzuuuu... Why are you so fucking quiet? Oh, wait, he's getting red in the face... Oi! He's peeing on me!" Everyone laughed; Hidan made a disgusted face, while Kakuzu was a little bit embarrassed. Just a little bit.

_"It's fun teasing you, Hidan..."_ The baby let out a grunt of relief; soon Pein and Konan would be back and Kakuzu would enjoy having his "family" around him again.


	8. Chapter 8

**_( Thank you, VampireDoll666 and 2lazy2login for the suggestions! Thanks everyone for the reviews! )_**

_"It's fun teasing you, Hidan..." The baby let out a grunt of relief; soon Pein and Konan would be back and Kakuzu would enjoy having his "family" around him again._

"Well, what are you waiting for? Go give him a bath, un!" Deidara said, slapping Hidan's shoulder and then heading to the room he shared with Sasori. "And don't ask for help, you really must learn how to take care of your partner." Hidan whined, still holding the now wet baby.

"Aw, come on, guys, don't fuck with me like that!" Kisame just shrugged and grinned, while going back to the training grounds with a concerned look and holding his Samehada.

"Deidara is right, Hidan. Don't worry, you're going to make it." Itachi held Kakuzu's hand and smiled at him. "And you, Kakuzu, take care of Uncle Hidan, too..." And the weasel followed his partner.

Sasori smirked at the albino. "It won't be that hard, Hidan." The puppet master turned to the good boy. "Tobi, don't help Hidan out. You can work on the baby's book instead, you've got plenty of time now." Tobi made a little happy dance.

"Yatta! Tobi understood, Sasori-saaaan!" And he patted Kakuzu's head and removed the pacifier from the baby's mouth. "Today little Kaku-chan's got mommy to take care of him!" Hidan fumed and clenched his teeth, scaring Tobi and making him flee to his own room.

"Ah-gaah..." Kakuzu kept cuddled up on Hidan's chest, gurgling and drooling. _"Can I wipe my mouth on your cloak?"_ Hidan sighed, poking the baby's nose.

"Oi, I'll give you a fucking bath, Kakuzu, but behave or I'll spank the fuck out of your stitched ass." The Jashinist's voice tone was half pissed off, half amused.

Bathing the baby would be easier if he weren't squirming and flailing too much. Kakuzu splashed water squealing excitedly, while Hidan tried to wash him and hold him securely, since the baby couldn't sit up properly yet.

"Yeah, thanks for giving me a fucking bath too..." Hidan said, as he was rubbing the washcloth over Kakuzu's face. As he finished bathing, he wrapped the stitched baby in a big towel and brought him to their bedroom, placing him in the crib. "I'll go take a shower and be right back. Don't go away, fucker." He said, as he's got some clean clothes and headed to the bathroom again. Kakuzu, lying on his back, grabbed his own foot and started to nibble on it, looking around and cooing.

By the time Hidan got back from the bath, he was so relaxed (in Hidan's own way, of course), he forgot all about the baby: he went to the living room to read the Book of Jashin for a little while, then flipped through channels and finally had a little snack. But he almost choked on his sandwich when something clicked in his mind.

"K-Kakuzu! Holy fuck!" The Jashinist ran to the bedroom where the crib was, only to find Kakuzu still lying on his back, sucking on his thumb and kicking his chubby legs. The towel was at his side, he must have rolled over for a while. Hidan sighed and picked up the baby.

"Let's get you dried and dressed up, you squirt." The silver-haired man laid Kakuzu down gently on the changing table and proceeded to dry and clean up the baby's body quickly. He smiled as Kakuzu started to sneeze from a big cloud of baby powder. "Squirming little rascal..."

_"I hate that powder..."_ After diapering him, Hidan cuddled Kakuzu on his shoulder to keep him warm while he searched for some clothes. _"I don't feel so good..."_ The albino found out the baby was trembling.

"Oh, shit... Cold, Kakuzu?" He felt guilty for leaving the baby in the crib, wrapped in a wet towel. Kakuzu didn't seem to care, though. While Hidan rubbed his back, the baby let out a cute sneeze, and this time it wasn't because of the baby powder. Hidan narrowed his eyes at Kakuzu and gave him the pacifier.

"Please don't tell me you've caught a fucking cold." Kakuzu gazed at his partner with hazy eyes and sniffling.

_"I couldn't tell you anything, idiot, I can't talk..."_ And sneezed again. Hidan quickly laid the baby on the changing table and dressed him, before wrapping him in his fleece blanket. Kakuzu gave another sneeze, this time a fierce one, even his pacifier was expelled soundly from his mouth.

"Oi, oi, what the fuck was that?" The Jashinist frowned, as he grabbed a tissue and wiped the baby's runny nose. "Jashin bless you." Hidan sat on his bed, snuggling the bundled up Kakuzu close to his chest to keep him warm, and patted his back. "You need a nap, seriously." He smirked upon Kakuzu's sleepy eyes and gave him the pacifier. Kakuzu's response was a deep, tired sigh, before closing his eyes and drifting off to sleep. Hidan laid Kakuzu in the crib carefully and put the dirty clothes in a hamper in the bathroom. Tobi was in the hallways and Hidan called him.

"Oi, Tobi! Kakuzu's sleeping and I must do my fucking ritual, keep an eye on him." And he corrected himself. "Um, keep your only eye on him."

"Haaai, Hidan-saaan!" Tobi saluted and skipped to the baby's room while the albino rolled eyes and headed to the woods carrying his scythe.

Later that day, Konan and Pein have arrived; the blue-haired angel was anxious to hug little Kakuzu again. "We're back!" She said, with a little smile, looking all over the place. Tobi appeared, skipping in the corridor. "Leader-sama, Konan-san! Welcome back!"

"Hello, Tobi, how's Kakuzu?" Pein asked. The good boy thought about Kakuzu's new look and gulped.

"W-Well, little Kaku-chan is fine, he's sleeping, and, um..." Tobi was twiddling his fingers nervously, he was afraid of telling them about Kakuzu's new "look". But he could try to. So he did.

Zetsu was outside, in the woods, observing Hidan's ritual from a distance, when he saw someone flying high in the sky and landing... on the zealot himself.

"OOF! Son of a bitch! I... TOBI?!" The Jashinist huffed at the orange-masked boy, who was still on his back, waving at him sheepishly.

"H-Hi, Hidan-san! Um... Gomen! Tobi landed safely on your back." The good boy said, embarrassed. Hidan sputtered a whole string of curses.

"JUST WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, YOU FUCKING HEATHEN? YOU SHOULD BE TAKING CARE OF KAKUZU!"

"Tobi was doing that, but then Leader-sama and Konan-san arrived, so I told them about Kaku-chan's hair, and... Well... Leader-sama was so mad, Tobi's got a Shinra Tensei!"

Meanwhile, Kakuzu, in his crib, stirred a little and started to feel uncomfortable. _"Oww... My head... Where's Hidan?"_ He scrunched up his face and cried softly; this made Konan and Pein run to Kakuzu's room.

"What happened to my wittle Kakuchu? Aww, come here, sweetheart, you're going to be okay, we're back..." The blue-haired angel picked up the baby and bounced him, which worked for a while.

During dinnertime, Pein found better to give Kakuzu a bottle before putting him into the crib. After burping him, he snuggled the baby, humming softly and patting his back; he noticed Kakuzu wasn't feeling fine, because he started whimpering again. Pein laid a hand on the baby's forehead and stated: "He's got a fever. Do we have any medicine?" Everyone gathered around, trying to help.

"Poor Kakuzu-kun, Uncle Kisame's going to prepare a nice chamomile tea for you.", said the blue swordsman, putting a kettle on the stove.

"Tobi's going to look for medicine in the bathroom cabinet, he'll be right back!" The good boy sprinted, in the hopes of finding some cold medicine that could be suitable for children.

"There, there, here's your paci, Kakuzu, don't cry... **And don't put those deadly teary eyes on me!**" Zetsu was doing his best to cheer up the sad baby. Kakuzu quieted down a bit, but he still sniffled and hiccupped pitifully.

_"I... I... I w-want to sleep, but I c-can't... M-My head hurts, my nose is s-sore..."_ The baby babbled softly, gazing at Pein and throwing the pacifier away. "A-baa-baa... Buh..."

"Aww, Kakuzu's talking." Pein smiled and kissed the baby's forehead (carefully, so his piercings couldn't hurt him) and cradled him. "Such a clever baby."

Everyone cooed over Kakuzu's sheer adorableness, which made him feel completely embarrassed. _"W-What are you all doing? Stop that."_ The baby blushed and pouted.

The ginger-haired man started a quick sneezing routine, bouncing the baby a bit. "Ah-choo, ah-choo, ah-choo..." That made Kakuzu laugh, but the giggles didn't last long; the fever was upsetting the baby terribly. Konan took Kakuzu from her lover's arms and rocked him.

"Kakuchu, honey, won't you smile for us?" Konan said, seeing Kakuzu doing that awfully cute sad lip. "Oh, no, no, don't pout!"

Hidan made a funny face, wiggling his fingers in front of Kakuzu. "Kaakuzuuu, I'm gonna get yoooou!" The infant gave a cute snorting giggle between tears, and Hidan's wide grin made him titter even more. "That's fucking cute!" But, again, the giggles turned into hiccupping sobs and the Jashinist frowned playfully. "Tch, you're not cute anymore, asshole..."

Kisame poured the tea in a tiny baby bottle and brought it to the baby. "Drink up, Kakuzu-kun, Uncle Kisame's holding the bottle for you..." Kakuzu calmly obliged, taking big gulps.

_"This stuff is good... Thanks, Kisame..."_ The baby sighed contentedly and Konan burped him before handing him to Deidara.

The blonde bomber tried to distract the baby by showing the mouths of his hands, sticking their tongues out. "Look, Kakuzuuuu... Bero-bero-bero-pero..." The baby, cradled in the blonde's arms, sucked his thumb quietly. Itachi washed the pacifier in the kitchen sink and gave it to Kakuzu.

"He has to be taken to a hospital. Babies need shots..." The Uchiha sighed, then looked at Tobi, who came back empty-handed. "Tobi, do you think you can take Kakuzu to Konoha's hospital?"

"Hai, Itachi-san! Tobi can use Henge no Jutsu! Look!" And he made the hand seals and, POOF! He turned into a funny-looking elderly woman. "Tobi can be the baby's obaa-chan!"

"Nice job, Tobi! **The old hag is going to scare the porker.**" Zetsu said.

Sasori carefully took Kakuzu from Deidara's arms and rocked him back and forth. "It's settled, then. Tobi will take him to Konoha in the morning. At this moment, he needs some sleep, right, Kakuzu?"

Early morning, and Hidan woke up before Kakuzu, something that doesn't occur too often. The Jashinist gazed upon the snoring baby in the crib and whispered, tickling him softly on his belly. "Kuzu, Kuzu... Oi, you lazy ass, wake the fuck up." The stitched baby slowly opened his big, green and red eyes and stretched, yawning and grunting. Hidan chuckled at the cuteness and picked him up. "Good morning, Fatso."

_"Don't call me 'Fatso'..."_ Soon the others joined in to help preparing Kakuzu for the trip to Konoha with Tobi. Konan packed a bag for him, with all the things the baby would need. Kakuzu couldn't help but wonder what was all the commotion around him. _"Are we going on a mission? Finally!"_ In little time, he was ready, all bundled up, lying on the couch and somewhat happy. Tobi appeared in front of him, already transformed in a sweet elderly lady.

"Hi, little Kaku-chaaan! It's Uncle Tobi, don't cry!" He said, picking up the baby and putting him in the baby sling. "Ooh, you've gained some weight, baby!" Kakuzu, cozily tucked in the pouch, sneezed and grunted.

_"But you're not my partner, Tobi. Where's Hidan? Whoa!"_ His thoughts were interrupted by Konan, who took him out of the sling to give him a goodbye snuggle.

"Bye-bye, my wittle Kakuchu, we'll be waiting for you, my wittle cuddlebug..." She said, giving him a noisy kiss on his plump cheek, making Kakuzu blush.

_"Isn't it always like that? And my name's Kakuzu, not Kakuch..."_ Pein smiled and gave him a brief tickle under his chin, making Kakuzu giggle.

"Like I always say, take good care of Tobi, okay, Kakuzu?" Deidara approached the baby and pecked him on the forehead lovingly.

"If Tobi gets annoying, little Kakuzu, tell me when you get home and I'll teach him a lesson, un!" Kakuzu smiled toothlessly, enjoying the idea. But he couldn't talk yet. Itachi stroked the baby's face and gave him a reassuring little smile.

"You're going to be fine, Kakuzu, just don't be scared and everything will be okay." Kakuzu couldn't understand why would he get scared of something, he's always been so daring and courageous.

_"What are you talking about, Itachi? I'm not easily scared..." _Kisame gave a toothy smile to the baby and poked his stomach, making Kakuzu squeak.

"And when you're back, Kakuzu-kun, we're going to play with you and make you forget that place." Zetsu appeared from the ground and gave him the pacifier.

"You almost forgot this, little baby. **What a depressing thing.**" And he softly patted the baby's head. "I'll miss you around here. **Lose some weight, porker.**" Sasori smirked and poked the baby's cheek lightly, earning a cute baby giggle.

"Bye, Kakuzu. It'll be a nice trip, at least you'll see a little bit of daylight. But don't go chasing butterflies." Hidan laughed at the idea, and Kakuzu stared at him.

_"There you are. Come on, we have a mission, get ready, Hidan."_ The albino took Kakuzu from Sasori's arms and gave him the fleece blanket.

"Here, baka, you were almost forgetting this shit. Don't get in trouble and don't cry like a Jashin-damned pussy!" The baby took the blanket and hugged his partner around the neck, grunting; Hidan smiled and felt himself melt. "Aw, you like me, seriously... ITEI! Let go my fucking ear, Kakuzu!" Pein helped the angered Jashinist prying the baby's hands from his ear. "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?" Hidan yelled at Kakuzu, but quickly regretted it: the baby made the most pathetic crying face ever. "Ah, shit... Sorry, Kakuzu-chan, I'm not pissed off anymore, shhh, don't cry, pretty please..."

_"I-I just th-thought you were g-going with me!"_ Kakuzu sniffled, leaning onto Hidan's chest while his partner rubbed his back gently. The baby let out a yawn and slowly fell asleep.

"Don't let anything happen to Kakuzu, Tobi." The zealot said, as he was putting Kakuzu back into the sling. "I'm fucking serious. I can be worse than Deidara, you orange heathen."

"Oh, Tobi knows that, Hidan-san! Mommy doesn't need to worry about a thing!" Hidan fumed again; he hated being called "mommy". "Tobi will protect little Kaku-chan with his own life! Jaa matta, everyone!" And he made some hand seals and POOF! Tobi and the baby disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

"Kakuzu-kun is in good hands, ne?" Kisame said, and Pein nodded. Everyone went back inside the Akatsuki headquarters, there were missions to be discussed and accomplished.


End file.
